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Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Why Won't He Call?


I call upon the goddess to aid me in telling the story of a love postponed. A tail of pining and immense attraction that left young lovers spellbound, yet compelled them to patience; in the midst of passion aflamed, any small amount of time may seam an eternity. Madness knocks on the door of the young lover kept from that which is held most dear.

As spring crept through the world, young Aphina—cousin to Aphrodite—galloped through the woods on her noble horse. Her hair darted and tossed as if to dodge the oncoming branches. Her beauty was said to be unmatched in the mortal world and her soul was as clear as an Olympian brook. Her horse slowed and trotted toward a nearby stream. After sliding off and noticing her unfortunate placement; she sat on a nearby rock to wash off her feet. Preoccupied, she failed to notice that she was not alone. Young Pathius had stopped at this enchanting stream to fish for sport. As son to local hero and Olympian Tharacles, much of his time was spent training and hunting in this forest, preparing for the day that he too could make a name for himself. Pathius let out an unintentional gasp, startling Aphina quite suddenly. His gasp was not due to the cold of the stream, nor from some accidently injury, but from cupid’s arrow. He had never seen such a beauty before. Aphina, well aware of his ganderings, quickly jumped up to gallop away. Pathius apologetically called out that he meant no harm and was simply startled by her beauty. As Pathius explained further, Aphina began to sense his sincerity and became flattered at his compliments and polity.

As the day wore on, Aphina and Pathius talked as if they had never met another person in their lives. Everything about them completely fascinated the other. Aphina, used to being gawked and whistled at, was taken in by Pathius interest in her soul. Pathius, on the other hand was completely enamored with the fact that he had found a beautiful young woman that actually had a soul. As night loomed, Aphina realized the hour and jumped atop her (very) patient steed. She was afraid of enraging her cousin Aphrodite (with whom she lodged). Unbeknownst to the young couple, Aphrodite had found and had been observing them privately after wondering what was taking her cousin so long.

As Aphina trotted away, she abruptly turned and yelled out the name and location of her home—much to Pathius’s relief. Aphrodite, being a tad upset for the delay, quickly made him forget this information. Pathius became quite angry with himself at forgetting such precious information, and so quickly; he brooded and tortured himself for hours. Two days went by and he still could not remember the address of the captivating Aphina. In sheer agony of soul, Pathius cried out in supplication to the goddess of love–pleading and begging for his memory to be restored. Aphrodite, surprised at the sincerity of the tortured, young lover and also realizing the harshness of her punishment, decided to restore his memory the next morn.

Ever since this day, men and woman wait at least three days to call after meeting for the first time, in appeasement and sacrifice to the goddess Aphrodite.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Trouble With Love Is..... (men's edition)




My friend Cailtlin Bronson posted a blog about the boys in Provo: caitlinbronson.blogspot.com which I found to be not only hilarious, but somewhat accurate. So, with her permission, I've decided to complete this "provo daters" list by adding the woman to it. Though completely stereotyped and for fun, there is still much truth in this.

Similarly to my friend, I too am often asked why (out of all the cute girls at BYU) I remain single and haven't commited to a lifelong relationship in the holiest of matromonies. To help shed some light on this, let us attempt to classify some of the women we run into here in the land of loners and lovers:


-The 'Need A Man' : This product of upbringing has no plans for the future except to find that perfect Elder's quorum president. If this fails, then finishing school and graduating with bachelors degree becomes their "back-up plan." Between reading bridal magazine's and fishing for dates amongst her FHE brothers with 'mom's secret recipe brownies', she often fills her days with watching Gilmore Girls (as most girls do), planning dessert/game nights at her apartment, and occasionally writing that 2 page paper she's been procrastinating for her "Marraige Prep" class. Ironically, these girls are often torn between dating and girl nights, feeling guilty that they didn't spend 2 nights out of the 7 which they normally spend with their clingy roommates.


-The Indie Girl : This breed of unique, yet oh so similar girls (deserving the title since most have not yet matured to womanhood) are not always as independent as their name implies. Many of these girls are looking for 3 things in/on a man: Skinny-jeans, skinny-jeans, skinny-jeans. Though their distaste for trends and popular styles tends to steer them in the direction of thrift stores, they often spend more time shopping for their indie clothes than the trendy kids. This girl will spend her days photographing with her poloroid camera, going to see bands that can't play their instruments, and trying to philosophies so that other people conclude that she can really think outside the box. Careful, being a social descendant from the emo girl, she will pack a lot of drama into that free-thinking spirit of hers.


-The Former Class President : These tend to be the most sought-after women on campus while simultaneously being the most infuriating for men. She has her entire life planned out, but struggles to manage her weekend schedule. Confident, career-centered, and needing only a general social life. A typical day will include an early morning bagel, a dash for the door, school, work, school, work, more school, and top it off with the nightly visitors from the weeker sex (which, contrary to popular opinion, are men). Though most suitors will eventually discover her non-commital nature, she will one day surprise everyone and announce her engagement to a business finance major who treats her like garbage...ah, young love.


-The Foreigner : Though too few, this group deserves an honorary mention. This strong-willed female usually has more than a couple crazy stories (she'd have to to wind up at BYU). Often times, these girls go on a lot of first dates because, although no one will admit it, most boys at BYU can't get over the cultural or (dare I say it) racial differences. For shame! A couple other honorary mentions that won't be addressed due to lack of numbers would be the feminist and the normal girl.


-The "Me Monster" (aka Social Grace) : She often comes complete with features like "let's define who I am," and talking too much. You could also classify this self-absorbed woman in the "foot-in-mouth" category except she never seems to get wise to the fact that she's said too much. Often times the "Me Monster" will be very well-intentioned and will work SO very hard to improve herself in every area of her life (realizing that something is amiss)until... unfortunately... many of them morph into the "Why Not You Monster." This advanced "Me Monster" spends a considerable amount of time pointing out the things that she has done that you should do also. The "Me Monster" will spend much of her day daydreaming through class, conciously collecting things about her day that she can talk about later, and finding groups of people that she can invite herself in to.
-Painstakingly Plastic: I didn't want to go too stereotypical, but no matter how many times we make fun of them, plastics are still overpopulating every place. Always at the pool, never in the in pool, these barbecued barbies will some day have to meet the melanoma monster in person. Aside from outward appearance, these girls will hide away there most interesting features to fit the "perfect" mold. I have not yet been able to determine whether they are always putting on a front, or if they truly have absolutely nothing unique or inticing to their personalities. Despite constant maintanance and a well-practiced flirty voice, the Painstakingly Plastic will attract but never win over a "sweet bro."


These are just a few of the many interesting and intriguing girls that are found in Singleville, Provo. If you are thinking to yourself "awwww, that was harsh, he's so mean to women," just remind yourself that this is all in good fun and I'm only retaliating ;)